The Definition of Insanity

 Many have heard insanity described as "doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results."  Others watch Shaun T jumping around like a mad lunatic on his new extreme fitness workout and proclaim loudly from their sofas-while shoveling McDonald's french fries down their throats at an alarming rate- "THAT is insane!" Wikipedia (my favoritist encyclopedia EVER) defines insanity as a spectrum of behaviors characterized by certain abnormal mental or behavioral patterns.  Merriam-Webster...the actual dictionary has several definitions of insanity, ranging from the very basic --"something utterly foolish or unreasonable"-- to the very legal--"such unsoundness of mind or lack of understanding as prevents one from having the mental capacity required by law to enter into a particular relationship, status, or transaction or as removes one from criminal or civil responsibility."  The funny thing is, in all actually, each and everyone of these proposed definitions of the term Insanity are correct (especially the new exercise craze!!).

So as I woke up this morning, dragging my body out of bed at 7am (I know!! An ungodlly hour of morning!), I looked in the mirror and was mildly horrified at the reflection that stared tiredly back at me.  I mean, sheesh!! I am all outta wack. My face is all broke out (excuse the grammar people...this is a blog), my eyes have these horrible dark circles, my weight has been fluctuating around the same eight pounds for the past six months, and I just feel kind of gross all over.  So I slapped on some make-up to cover the dark circles, fluffed out my new hair to hide the angry red bumps, pulled on a grey suit (because I have a court date today), drank a cup of tea and ran out of the door. As I pulled onto Southern's campus and drove around by the Mississippi river, it hit me. I am insane! (Those of you who actually know me can stop laughing!) I mean it, no matter which definition of the word you throw at me, they all stick. Repetitious actions that never yield different results?....check. Watching people hopping around on the television trying to get in shape while is scarf down cookies?....check. Abnormal mental or behavior patterns?....check (in that I am constantly whinning about one thing (the mental) but doing nothing to change my actions (the behavior). Utterly foolish or unreasonable?....check. Such lack of understanding....well, okay....maybe not that one. But the rest of them fit!!

Why suddenly have I decided to write this down?  Well sometime you need to see yourself in black and white before you can make effective changes. I am a size 14. I don't like that fact. I do Weight Watchers, I run, I exercise, I eat grass...I drink grass, I drink shakes, I run stadiums stairs, I don't eat anything....followed by eating everything. The problem is that I do all of this on an extremely erratic and inconsistent basis. I have not managed to do a single combination of proper nutrition and exercise in about a year and a half (which was the first time in five years that I had come close to banishing the freakin eight pounds). I wake up every morning, yell at myself for not "doing the right thing" as I attempt to make the clothes in my closet not look like garments draped on a sack of potatoes.  I am consistently negative towards myself and my efforts. I get discouraged and say "eff it, I am getting a cookie." To do all of this week, after week, after week and expect to see a positive change...that is--by all of the definitions aforementioned--insane. 

I am almost done...I promise. I have this friend. She is a true inspiration. This chick is like Super Woman, seriously. She is an educator, an entrepreneur, a personal trainer, apparently a Sweet Thang (lol), and a survivor! I listen as she explains one courageous, life defining excursion after the other. We dream big together, she and I. We talk about all of the things we would like to do and accomplish.  The difference between her success and my insanity is that she changes her actions to match her goals. So getting back to my point...I am sitting in my car in the gravel lot of SU, staring out of the window at the Mississippi, and it hits me. YOU....ARE...INSANE! You are completely bonkers if you think you can continue to do what you have been doing with the sporadic exercise, the occasional nutrition, the lack of rest, and the constant whining, and see yourself change!!  As of right now, I have exactly 229 days, 29 mins, and 25 seconds until my next big move.  That countdown marks the date of my graduation. That is approximately eight months to make a change. Now I understand that true change, life defining, permanent change takes time...and so should everyone out there who may happen to read this. So I will start small with definite goals in mind. As I take these small steps to turn my reflection back into someone I am pleased with, I encourage you to look at your INSANE behaviors and make some adjustments.  No one said that being insane was a bad thing...it just requires some application of sanity every once in a while.

TTYL!

Selling One's Self...

Selling Myself

 So I am attempting to secure summer employment in the legal field. This field, like many of the professional career fields, is strapped due to the recent economic upheavals.  As a law student, I am put in the unfortunate position of trying to make myself desirable. Like the "Superb Bird of Paradise," we law students find ourselves doing intricate mating dances in an attempt to be noticed and wanted. 

So the question I am faced with, having dug up the names of about thirty Atlanta area judges, is how to I market myself? How do I set myself apart from my classmates? Just what combination of bells and whistles do I need to arrange, and in what pattern, and with what tune?  This has for some strange reason become a daunting task. Seriously.  It will make you question yourself!  Ask anybody that knows me well and they will tell you that I think very highly of myself.  I feel I am good looking.  I don't like to be wrong. Usually, when I speak on a topic, I do my best to be both educated and opinionated.  I naturally take a leadership role in most things that I do because I was raised that way.  If there is something I don't know, I go find the answer. 


In my past working life (pre-law school) this was sufficient to land me a job as an office manager, an administrative assistant, or at very least a glorified data entry specialist. But now! OMG (and I promise I will try not to use that expression too often)!! I am up against overachieving, Aderrall popping, cheating on finals with iPhones, flirting with employers, "I got an extra four hours to complete my exam (even if it was warranted)," Law School Students. Yeah, I said it. It is the truth. So what do you do? How do you compete? And how do you manage not to completely forget your fabulosity in the process? I mean...after all, it is not as though the Scales of Employment Justice are equally weighed...


Well I will tell you what I plan to do.  I plan to put in that extra hustle instead of painting myself up to be the super law student (and dancing around like that freakin bird).  The crazy thing is, if any potential legal employer had a glimpse into the sheer amount of BS and drama I managed on a daily basis during my prior employment, they would automatically realize that I can handle ANYTHING that is thrown at me.  


So the take away of this little pre-semester rant of mine is simple.  When you are faced with a task that makes you question your worth in ANY way,  simply look back at what you have already accomplished / overcome.  Pull your worth from what you have achieved instead of second guessing yourself based on what you perceive to have been completed by others.


....that was a good little pep talk I just gave myself!! Hope it helped you too! :-P

If I Could Get a Do-Over

I was watching "The Soloist" the other day and was completely moved by a single aspect of the movie. Watching Nathaniel (Jamie Fox's character) play his cello. When this man placed this instrument in his hands, his eyes closed and you could see in his face that he was completely engrossed in the sound and feeling of the music. My little sister is a dancer. I can remember watching her dance for a school pageant. This was before we had ever seen her freestyle a dance (she was on the band auxiliary).  She stepped out on the stage in all white and persisted to bring tears to my eyes.  She too possessed that look of complete absorption.  

I am holding up a mirror and asking myself is there anything in my life that causes me to engross myself so deeply that the passion is evident on my face to everyone. I don't think that I do. I used to play the flute a long time ago. I liked it, but never fully learned to play in a way that would allow me to explore compositions. I consider myself a dancer. I love to dance, but I never took the time to truly immerse myself.  I took up roller skating a few years ago...whew! Now that is fun!! This would be the skating on quads (the regular skates) and learning to dance. I have gotten to the point where I don't look a fool, but again I haven't taken the time to learn to do it in a way that it could become a passion of mine. 

If I could get a do-over on certain things in my life, I think one of these three things would be my do over. I would not quit on the flute just because I moved to a new school.  I would master the instrument and become familiar with Bach, Mozart, and Gaubert.  OR, I would demand to be placed in ballet, jazz, and hip-hop dance classes. I would dance for the sheer joy that comes when you let go and just dance. OR, I would actually go to the skate classes and then practice! So that Friday Nights at Golden Glide, I wouldn't have to hug the wall.

If I could get a do-over, I would chose to start my life out on a passionate note. So that when I reached an age of reflection, I could look back and say that I fully immersed myself in something greater than myself.

Recovering from a Year in Excess

The year 2010, for me, was the kind of experience that really makes you grab your face like that kid from Home Alone and shake your head in wonder.  As I look back over my life experience this year I am in awe. I truly, unequivocally, and beyond my wildest expectations, lived the WHOLE of 2010 in excessive indulgence! Allow me to provide examples:

I went on a total of NINE vacations in 2010; I threw at least five house parties; I spent a total of about five to six weekends in New Orleans; I raised my alcohol tolerance level to an insane ratio; I moved into an apartment and continued to live as though I was salaried...with NO job. Oh, did I mention I was doing all of this with no employment?! That is right, not a dime of income other than student loans...after all, I am in law school.

All of this has led me to believe that 2011 should be a year of restraint for me. Life can become tumultuous without some level of balance and restraint.  I am looking to cut the excess out of every portion of my life this year. I do not wish to restrict myself to an Amish-like existence, but I do intend to get back to a place of harmony with the blessings that flow into my life.  Included in this recovery from excess are exercises in mediation and being still. I sometimes wonder if our lives become hectic because we are always concerned with being somewhere and doing something. It is not unproductive to be still for a few moments each day. Being still is not the same as doing nothing. I also hope to reduce the excess that exists on my actual person...but that is a blog all by itself (I will keep you posted).


The take away from this posting is simple. Look at your life and determine if balance exists. Perhaps your past experience has been the opposite of mine. Perhaps you need to create balance by being more adventurous, releasing some purse strings, or taking some chances. Too much of anything creates problems, but so can a deficiency. 

Keeping the balance in mind, "when life gives you the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance!"